I wanted to write from my home PC, peacefully enjoying my pain. But instead, I am forced to write here: in the back of an itinerary, with a stolen pen and a guy talking in front of me, about torturing and stuff. He came from God knows where and I'm dealing with with personal issues as he speaks, what a whore I am.
Regarding the last offensive term, well... I've been sad. For the first time in ages. I knew that being as happy as I was for such a long time was gonna bring me trouble in the future. And this because I got to realize for the twentieth time that I was a bad person in the past. I was selfish, conceited, I was a liar. Sometimes I used to behave in a way that wasn't honest at all. I cared about my own good, and no one else's. I damaged a couple of hearts which I could've healed eventually. I had mean thoughts, and maybe I was unfaithful to some ideals of mine. But honestly, and for reals, mow I'm seriously done. I can't take this anymore. I never killed anybody, I never did something that terrible. I just slipped, like any other person would. I agree that I could avoided some events, but I just didn't. And so what?
Lately, I've tried my heart out to change all that I did. And like I said, it wasn't that bad. Sometimes I even think I don't deserve to have this feelings with me. It's ok for people to talk, and it's ok to have your own criteria but hey... I'm a human being. I have a heart. I have a mom that did a great job raising me through life. I am a wonderful, intelligent, capable person. I am beautiful and I am full of good feelings to share to the world. I like to give more than to get. And like I said, I agree on paying for what I have done, but I've done other real great things that make me what I am.
Besides, who are we to make judgements about people? I admit we can critize clothing, sayings, even behaviors... but not a person itself. Not ever. From this moment on I promise I'll think twice when I talk about somebody, because this is bullshit. I'm done with this, it hurts like hell. I've been honest for so long now, and when I used to lie, I didn't do it because I like it, I did it because I felt like I needed someone there, myself at least.
I take this as a wake-up call, maybe it's time to change, and stop wanting to accomplish being "nice" to everyone, trying to suit everybody's likes and needs. Nobody knows me perfectly other than myself. No one went through my pain. And I know that I'm blessed, my problems are minimal compared to African hunger or human rights, but THIS is my reality. This is what hurts. And I think it is equally valid. Besides, I never did something I am ashamed of. I did the human usual: lying, envying, I've been absent... but that's all. I've never tempted my spirituality. I've never played with my body. I've never darkened my soul or whatever. I've done mistakes: getting convinced, hiding stuff, I even flirted a little... so what?! I bet the pope did it also (and I write this with my deepest respect). But I never EVER did something that decreases my value as a person, or better yet... as a woman.
So I don't care, I don't pretend to change girls' minds saying that if this happens to them it's gonna be ok, because it probably won't be. Took me years to realize it. But this I can tell: You CAN change. You're able to love inconditionally. Magic exists. And don't blame it all on you, because you're not guilty about a thing. No matter how bad you might think you are, there's always someone worse. You're not alone, there's always more to that. And the most important thing of all: BELIEVE IN GOD.
He is your Savior, and He will NEVER let you down. Believe this, He won't. He loves you, and He is everywhere. And if you're really sorry, He already knows. And He forgives and forgets. He will carry you eventually when you're too tired to keep on going. Nevermind if people down there don't believe you, because He does. He's watching you everytime you fall, and He's got your back. He just wants you to learn how to stand up on your own. But if you still haven't figured out how to do that, don't rush it... you can just tell Him to lift you up and He'll be happy to help you out again. Ask for His advice. You make Him full of joy everytime you call His name. So it doesn't matter if it seems like no one's there, because He is. And if it hurts so much... just remember that it's just Him, grabbing you so tight so that you won't fall.
And one more thing: No matter what you say... people that don't care will never believe you, and the ones that care... they don't need an explanation.
