Not everything relies on facebook. I don't think 2012 is the end of the world, and even if it was... this world is very little to actually be relevant to the universe. It's just blue and green. With water and oxygen and stuff. I feel like crying, like leaving everything behind. And I'm just like that you know: I get a lot of my filosophies from bumper stickers, or hollywood big budget movies. You know like the ones with Julia Roberts. I'm just like that. I love fantasizing, falling in love every day. But at the same time, I am tender. I feel guilty for each and every thing I did wrong. I feel trapped sometimes, I want to move away. Everyone I know is flying around somewhere else. And I wanna do the same thing, but every time I get the chance, there's this person holding me back... name it whatever, but it's always the same thing. I'm tired of it.
This time, I think it's different. He is something special. He's holding me back for sure, but I think it's for good. I want to start a family with him. I am thinking about our future. And as much as that bothers me because I think he still doesn't get to that point, I love it as well. I am excited with the possibilities. I don't need to live pressured because I don't wanna feel pressure anymore. That's exhausting and more than that, it's stupid. Contradicting. Self conscious.
I happen to be pretty lame sometimes. You know I never help people. I try to, and my head gets stuffed with all these ideas about recycling, or giving away used clothing... God knows, but it never happens. Either because I'm lazy or because I feel I'm too useless to get a job. I also believe there's like a bizillion persons who are, indeed, a lot more stupid than I am but I just don't know why I do this thinking. Maybe it's all about letting go and trying really hard for the first time. I've had it with the fearing and the dropping for reals.
I know no one's actually gonna read this. I know my time is running out. Twenty two? That's a huge deal close to thirty. That number scares the fuck out of me. I have like eight years of reasonable and justified dumbness left. After that, I have to have it together, no matter what. I wanna make the best out of these years. And I don't know if by that I mean traveling, or working... I have to cut those ropes! And I know he'll understand, because deep inside I've always been this way. He loves me to death just as I do with him and he has to get my point. I need to go. I need to live a life full of experiences. That doesn't mean I have to travel all the way to India... it's just that I need a little rocking every now and then. But I don't wanna quit my studies, I don't wanna leave my boyfriend... I want to have it all because that way I'll be happy. That's just the truth, I don't know how to disguise it.
Right now all I think about is traveling, my new job, my fears, him, and my messy room. I'll start out cleaning it up, which is kinda' rare. Then I'll solve the other things, takes a lot of time. But the loving part makes me remember that I gotta struggle in order to give him the best woman ever. He deserves it. And that way, I'll deserve the world as well. It's not convenience, it's love. Trying to improve because of one another. I love my baby. He is the reason why.
